Facebook

Sometimes I can't even handle people on the internet.

We all have the facebook friends who always have the same sort of status: whiny, braggy, vaguely sad, etc. Then there's the jovial, middle-aged neighbor down the street who always comments with something sort of out of place and awkward. The only punctuation these well-meaning souls use are exclamation points and ellipses. For example, if someone were to post sad lyrics from a song as their status, they would either comment with, "Remember that your family loves you..." or, "Oh no whats wrong?!" There is no middle ground. Sometimes instead of a neighbor it might be an aunt or uncle. If this is the case, they comment on every single picture of their handsome nephew (or beautiful niece), no matter who posted it or who else is in it. Usually this is fine, but sometimes they can get a little aggressive. For example, in one of my tagged pictures of my group for a high school dance, someone commented, "Oh [niece] you're so beautiful! None of these other girls can even hold a candle to you!" I was highly offended, as I'm sure all the other girls were.

I affectionately refer to one of my facebook friends as Sad Status Kid, because all of his statuses say things like, "Does anybody want to talk?" or "Of course I should have known my good day could never last. Typical." His jolly neighbor from down the street commented on something that said, "Back to being ignored. I guess nobody wants me..." and said, "We want you! Are you free to babysit this weekend?" It was hilarious.

I guess at least now his life has a purpose. "I guess I'll go babysit, because it's not like I have any other plans for the weekend. Too bad I don't have real friends."