Sometimes I can't even handle people on the internet.
We all have the facebook friends who always have the same sort of status: whiny, braggy, vaguely sad, etc. Then there's the jovial, middle-aged neighbor down the street who always comments with something sort of out of place and awkward. The only punctuation these well-meaning souls use are exclamation points and ellipses. For example, if someone were to post sad lyrics from a song as their status, they would either comment with, "Remember that your family loves you..." or, "Oh no whats wrong?!" There is no middle ground. Sometimes instead of a neighbor it might be an aunt or uncle. If this is the case, they comment on every single picture of their handsome nephew (or beautiful niece), no matter who posted it or who else is in it. Usually this is fine, but sometimes they can get a little aggressive. For example, in one of my tagged pictures of my group for a high school dance, someone commented, "Oh [niece] you're so beautiful! None of these other girls can even hold a candle to you!" I was highly offended, as I'm sure all the other girls were.
I affectionately refer to one of my facebook friends as Sad Status Kid, because all of his statuses say things like, "Does anybody want to talk?" or "Of course I should have known my good day could never last. Typical." His jolly neighbor from down the street commented on something that said, "Back to being ignored. I guess nobody wants me..." and said, "We want you! Are you free to babysit this weekend?" It was hilarious.
I guess at least now his life has a purpose. "I guess I'll go babysit, because it's not like I have any other plans for the weekend. Too bad I don't have real friends."
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Payment
My best friend and I really are the best. We just had this conversation, and I thought clearly my best course of option would be posting it on the internet.
Me: What do I owe you for gas money? I probably owe you my firstborn baby for all the gas you've spent on me, but babies are expensive, so maybe that's not the best payback.
Alexa: Plus your husband might want it.
Me: Yeah, I guess. Weird, it's like giving away your babies isn't a good idea.
Alexa: Oh my gosh, that ruins so many of my life plans. I was just going to use my children as payment for everything.
Me: I can see you in 10 years at the grocery store. "Can I buy these eggs and milk?" Cashier: "That'll be $5.17." You: "HERE HAVE THIS BABY."
Alexa: Cashier: "Ma'am, you can not pay with a baby." Me: "No, it's fine, it's mine and everything."
Me: "Ma'am, I can't take this. Please take your child back." You: "So you're giving me the eggs and milk for free? Is that what I'm hearing?"
Alexa: "Ma'am, I will call security." Me: "Look, I appreciate the free milk and eggs and everything, but I really don't need any help getting to my car."
Alexa: I want to tell my kids about this one day, except then they'll be afraid I will sell them. It will keep visits to the grocery store interesting.
Me: What do I owe you for gas money? I probably owe you my firstborn baby for all the gas you've spent on me, but babies are expensive, so maybe that's not the best payback.
Alexa: Plus your husband might want it.
Me: Yeah, I guess. Weird, it's like giving away your babies isn't a good idea.
Alexa: Oh my gosh, that ruins so many of my life plans. I was just going to use my children as payment for everything.
Me: I can see you in 10 years at the grocery store. "Can I buy these eggs and milk?" Cashier: "That'll be $5.17." You: "HERE HAVE THIS BABY."
Alexa: Cashier: "Ma'am, you can not pay with a baby." Me: "No, it's fine, it's mine and everything."
Me: "Ma'am, I can't take this. Please take your child back." You: "So you're giving me the eggs and milk for free? Is that what I'm hearing?"
Alexa: "Ma'am, I will call security." Me: "Look, I appreciate the free milk and eggs and everything, but I really don't need any help getting to my car."
Alexa: I want to tell my kids about this one day, except then they'll be afraid I will sell them. It will keep visits to the grocery store interesting.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Aging
I am officially an 80 year old woman.
You laugh, but seriously, when did I get so old? Yesterday I mentioned Avril Lavigne, and my 13 year old cousin had no idea who I was talking about. Avril Lavigne was my world when I was 13, and now 13 year olds don't even know she ever existed! I sang Sk8ter Boi and everything, and she didn't even recognize it. She also doesn't know who Hillary Duff is, and she doesn't know anything about the Britney Spears 2007 debacle (That was a hard year for both of us Britney, I feel your pain). But holy cow, I'm starting to feel obsolete. One of these days I'll be that lady who says things like, "What's new with Justin Bieber? Isn't he hip with the times?" and all the young folks will say, "Who?"
Other evidence of my old age:
I just said, "Young folks."
I have a receding gum. Because I am an old woman.
I have knee and hip problems. Sometimes my hip pops, and it makes a really loud, deep booming noise, and it's terrifying.
My bones can tell the weather! I broke my arm in 4th grade, and it's never been a problem since then. But this past year it's started to ache a couple days before big storms. I can say, in all seriousness, "There's a storm comin'. I feel it in my bones."
Eighty, eighteen, they're practically the same, right?
You laugh, but seriously, when did I get so old? Yesterday I mentioned Avril Lavigne, and my 13 year old cousin had no idea who I was talking about. Avril Lavigne was my world when I was 13, and now 13 year olds don't even know she ever existed! I sang Sk8ter Boi and everything, and she didn't even recognize it. She also doesn't know who Hillary Duff is, and she doesn't know anything about the Britney Spears 2007 debacle (That was a hard year for both of us Britney, I feel your pain). But holy cow, I'm starting to feel obsolete. One of these days I'll be that lady who says things like, "What's new with Justin Bieber? Isn't he hip with the times?" and all the young folks will say, "Who?"
Other evidence of my old age:
I just said, "Young folks."
I have a receding gum. Because I am an old woman.
I have knee and hip problems. Sometimes my hip pops, and it makes a really loud, deep booming noise, and it's terrifying.
My bones can tell the weather! I broke my arm in 4th grade, and it's never been a problem since then. But this past year it's started to ache a couple days before big storms. I can say, in all seriousness, "There's a storm comin'. I feel it in my bones."
Eighty, eighteen, they're practically the same, right?
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