Facebook

Sometimes I can't even handle people on the internet.

We all have the facebook friends who always have the same sort of status: whiny, braggy, vaguely sad, etc. Then there's the jovial, middle-aged neighbor down the street who always comments with something sort of out of place and awkward. The only punctuation these well-meaning souls use are exclamation points and ellipses. For example, if someone were to post sad lyrics from a song as their status, they would either comment with, "Remember that your family loves you..." or, "Oh no whats wrong?!" There is no middle ground. Sometimes instead of a neighbor it might be an aunt or uncle. If this is the case, they comment on every single picture of their handsome nephew (or beautiful niece), no matter who posted it or who else is in it. Usually this is fine, but sometimes they can get a little aggressive. For example, in one of my tagged pictures of my group for a high school dance, someone commented, "Oh [niece] you're so beautiful! None of these other girls can even hold a candle to you!" I was highly offended, as I'm sure all the other girls were.

I affectionately refer to one of my facebook friends as Sad Status Kid, because all of his statuses say things like, "Does anybody want to talk?" or "Of course I should have known my good day could never last. Typical." His jolly neighbor from down the street commented on something that said, "Back to being ignored. I guess nobody wants me..." and said, "We want you! Are you free to babysit this weekend?" It was hilarious.

I guess at least now his life has a purpose. "I guess I'll go babysit, because it's not like I have any other plans for the weekend. Too bad I don't have real friends."

Payment

My best friend and I really are the best. We just had this conversation, and I thought clearly my best course of option would be posting it on the internet.

Me: What do I owe you for gas money? I probably owe you my firstborn baby for all the gas you've spent on me, but babies are expensive, so maybe that's not the best payback.

Alexa: Plus your husband might want it.

Me: Yeah, I guess. Weird, it's like giving away your babies isn't a good idea.

Alexa: Oh my gosh, that ruins so many of my life plans. I was just going to use my children as payment for everything.

Me: I can see you in 10 years at the grocery store. "Can I buy these eggs and milk?" Cashier: "That'll be $5.17."  You: "HERE HAVE THIS BABY."

Alexa: Cashier: "Ma'am, you can not pay with a baby."  Me: "No, it's fine, it's mine and everything."

Me: "Ma'am, I can't take this. Please take your child back."   You: "So you're giving me the eggs and milk for free? Is that what I'm hearing?"

Alexa: "Ma'am, I will call security."  Me: "Look, I appreciate the free milk and eggs and everything, but I really don't need any help getting to my car."

Alexa: I want to tell my kids about this one day, except then they'll be afraid I will sell them. It will keep visits to the grocery store interesting.

Aging

I am officially an 80 year old woman.

You laugh, but seriously, when did I get so old? Yesterday I mentioned Avril Lavigne, and my 13 year old cousin had no idea who I was talking about. Avril Lavigne was my world when I was 13, and now 13 year olds don't even know she ever existed! I sang Sk8ter Boi and everything, and she didn't even recognize it. She also doesn't know who Hillary Duff is, and she doesn't know anything about the Britney Spears 2007 debacle (That was a hard year for both of us Britney, I feel your pain). But holy cow, I'm starting to feel obsolete. One of these days I'll be that lady who says things like, "What's new with Justin Bieber? Isn't he hip with the times?" and all the young folks will say, "Who?"

Other evidence of my old age:

I just said, "Young folks."

I have a receding gum. Because I am an old woman.

I have knee and hip problems. Sometimes my hip pops, and it makes a really loud, deep booming noise, and it's terrifying.

My bones can tell the weather! I broke my arm in 4th grade, and it's never been a problem since then. But this past year it's started to ache a couple days before big storms. I can say, in all seriousness, "There's a storm comin'. I feel it in my bones."

Eighty, eighteen, they're practically the same, right?

Earrings

Once when I was little I got a jewelry making kit. Every little girl makes bracelets and necklaces, but this kit also had supplies for earrings; it was so exciting! Unfortunately, my ears weren't pierced and neither of my sisters had pierced ears, so it was up to my mom to wear the glorious creations I made. I made earrings all the time, and I even saved some of my favorites for myself when I got older and could wear them (Unfortunately, by now I've lost them all. Bummer). 

My sister Julia's best friend came over to our house all the time and played with us, so one time we decided to make jewelry from my kit. We made several pairs of earrings, but Beka was the only one with pierced ears, so we generously gave them all to her. She cautiously said, "I get infections from earrings unless they're a certain type of metal, I don't know if I can wear these." I said with all my unfounded 8 year old confidence, "Don't worry, these won't give you an infection." She believed me with all her 5 year old trust. 

As far as I knew, that was the end of the story, and I had completely forgotten it. But yesterday Julia and I were hanging out with Beka's family and Beka announced she was taking Julia to get her ears pierced for her 16th birthday. Then Beka's mom reminded me of that incident and filled me in on the rest of the story.

Beka wore the earrings all the time and wouldn't take them out. Of course they weren't at all the right type of metal, and they probably weren't even that clean, so they gave her an infection. Her ears were puffy and swollen and oozing pus, and the pus got into her hair, which was then nasty and crusty. It was a terrible infection, and her mom said, "Beka, take out those earrings!" Beka said, "No, Kristina said they wouldn't give me an infection, it's not these!" Beka's mom pleaded with her to take them out, but Beka trusted me and my random claims completely and said no. Finally they had to take her to a doctor who made her take out the earrings and had to put her on antibiotics.

Moral of the story: Probably no one should ever trust me. 

Traumatic Events

One time when I was a young innocent 14 year old we had a water fight for mutual. We were at our church, and the whole stake was involved. I was wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt, gleefully running around splashing people, with absolutely no idea of the horrors that were in store for me. I was wearing flip-flops at first, but they got really slippery when they were wet so I just took them off, foolishly thinking I would be fine.

I went over to the big bucket to fill up my water gun when I stepped on something that was strangely squishy. You know how when you hold water balloons you can feel all the water rolling around inside? That's how this felt, but it didn't burst like a water balloon would if you stepped on it, and it was fuzzy. I looked down and saw something dark on the ground. I took a couple seconds trying to figure out what it was when I suddenly realized it was a dead bird. GUYS. I STEPPED ON A DEAD BIRD WITH MY BARE FOOT! It was possibly the most traumatic experience of my life! There were definitely worms in it! And my bare skin had just been on it. Not even a slight brush, but a good long while with all my weight on it. Just thinking about it makes me want to cut my foot off.

I freaked out, as any rational person would do, and dumped the entire bucket of water on my foot. I then hopped into the church to find my dad in the clerk's office and make him take me home. I got home and screamed something about dead birds as I hopped through the house to the bathroom. My poor mother had no idea what was going on, but when I explained what had happened she was much more sympathetic. And then she made me mop the kitchen floor because I had hopped through it with my dirty feet.

Apparently this horrible experience wasn't traumatic enough to make me not go barefoot in public places, because a few years later I stepped on something mysterious in a park and got a foot infection. 

Memorable Moments of the Second Semester

Jumping in the Provo River with a bunch of people on a whim. Going to my very first concert! Giving blood for the first time, and then doing it again because I loved it so much. Going to Las Vegas for a weekend. Playing poker in the laundromat till 3:00 AM. Singing with angels at the funeral of a good friend. Learning that life goes on, even after the death of someone you care about. Pulling an all-nighter with my entire ward to read the Book of Mormon. Playing volleyball and basketball with a bunch of random people till 4:00 AM, and then crashing at someone else's place because I didn't want to go home to my empty apartment. Becoming an aunt and meeting my very first niece! Getting stranded at the Provo Frontrunner station for an hour because I missed the train. Finally figuring out how to successfully use public transportation. Going to General Conference with friends. Going to the Festival of Colors in Spanish Fork and having colored chalk thrown in my face. Becoming even better at procrastinating. Turning in my mission papers and waiting forever for the call to come. Pranking the guys in my ward by seran wrapping their doors. Taking random walks at 2:00 AM because I couldn't sleep. Hiking the Y in the middle of the night and seeing all the stars and city lights. Playing a game of assassin with my ward. Meeting new special needs friends who wouldn't let me stop clapping, or who insisted on getting piggy back rides all the time and clinging to me like a koala. Third-wheeling like a boss. Being proposed to by a drunk guy on the Las Vegas strip. Getting hooked on tons of TV shows. Going to my first ever Divine Comedy show. Lighting the bathtub on fire. Learning three different ways to bro-hug, and becoming a bro. Making a pizza for the guy in the creamery. Going dumpster diving. Running around outside in the freezing cold with sparklers. Lighting floating lanterns and watching them float away. Getting locked out of my apartment in the middle of the night. Getting locked into someone else's apartment in the middle of the night while we were watching a scary movie because the lock on the door broke. Going to the temple at 6 AM because we had stayed up all night anyways and decided we might as well. Hiding a plastic rat in the fridge for my roommates to find. Dying someone's hair without wearing gloves and turning my hands bright orange. Going to Denny's with huge groups of people in the middle of the night and befriending the waiters. Pulling two all-nighters in a row because I was having a laundromat party and then the next night I had to pack. Walking around campus dressed as a pirate while wearing a batman mask. Seeing our teacher with a fake British accent at the gym and freaking out. Finding a three story treehouse and having an adventure in it. Accomplishing my one academic goal of the semester and being asked to be an American Heritage TA. Never actually burning down the apartment, despite the many times we were probably close to it. Having our door defaced multiple times (with cobwebs, tinsel, and Yankees cutouts). And finally, becoming friends with so many amazing people who changed my life and made my freshman year so much better.

Even though you guys probably don't care about my long disorganized list, it makes sense to me, and each and every one of those things is a cherished memory. I'm sad to have left BYU for a while, but I really am excited to move on with my life and can't wait to go on my mission! I'm so glad I had second semester, and didn't just end after the first, because I finally actually started doing things and getting the full freshman experience! (AKA making probably really dumb decisions but loving every minute of it).

I'm a Wreck

An overview of my day: I went to bed at 5:15 AM (because reasons), then woke up at 8 to my phone alarm. I couldn't turn off my phone till I found it, stuffed inside my glasses case (which explains why my glasses wouldn't fit in it last night. That was really distressing to me at 5 AM). I fell asleep for another hour, then went to class. I somehow didn't realize it was raining till I was on the bus, so I wore sandals. All I ate till about 3 PM was a granola bar and a ridiculous amount of Easter chocolate. I fell asleep in class, then had a really hard time waking up and almost fell asleep as I was literally walking across campus.  I quoted National Treasure to my roommate (accidentally! Don't hate me!) so she pushed me off the bench we were sitting on. I went home to change into rainboots, and on the bus on the way back I fell off my seat into the aisle two times. I don't even know how that happened. We went around a curve and suddenly I was kneeling in the aisle, and of course half the ward was there to witness my shame. Then we went around another turn and I nearly fell off again but saved myself just in time, so I was really proud of myself. Right as I was saying, "Good news, I didn't fall off my chair again," I fell off again. I didn't go to the gym like I always do because I felt like I would fall asleep and get hit in the head with a weight (like the time my roommate was supposed to be spotting me but let me drop the bar on my stomach when I was trying to bench). Anyways, my day felt weirdly empty and without structure because I never went to the gym. My thirteen year old cousin told me while we were texting that I'm  "mega weird," so I've officially reached a new low. In Spanish class we listened to Taylor Swift, but in Spanish. Turns out We Are Never Getting Back Together is better when it's not in English and not sung by T-Swizzle. In Spanish the teacher also told us that our comprehensive final is on Thursday. Like in three days. I told my friend, who thought it was an April Fools joke, but it was for real. At FHE my father jokingly asked who pranked his apartment last night, then looked straight at me, because he doesn't know it actually was me (that's why I was up so late) And just barely I spent far too long laughing at really stupid youtube videos, and then my laptop fell on my face. But somehow despite all that it was a really good day! I don't really know why, but it was awesome! Maybe I was too sleep deprived all day to really understand anything that happened, but it was so good!

I feel like Rasputin in the 1997 movie Anastasia when his hand falls off and he dramatically says, "I'm a wreck!"